Mean girls.

Yes, the good old mean girl. I, like most people have one in me and she sneaks out here and there to make an appearance. Mostly, she reminds me of the person I used to be and am now embarrassed about. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect - I still make fun, I still judge but I try hard not to unless it's in good fun with good friends and isn't taken seriously.

So as background, in public and high school I was on a mission to create a level playing field. I decided it was my purpose to ensure that the kids who "thought" they were cool (which was obviously my decision if they were deemed real cool or fake cool) that were mean to the actually nice not-so-cool kids were put in their place. So for instance, if Susan thought she was cool and made fun of Sophie who was a nice girl and didn't bother anyone I would make Susan's life a living hell.

I've explained this to people umpteenth times and everyone says "there's nothing wrong with that!" but oh my friend, there is. You see, I run into the people I decided to put in there place all the time. I live in the same town I grew up in. I am ashamed of how I acted and treated people just because I didn't agree with how they acted. Due to this, when one of them is serving me at a restaurant I hid my face and it even made me avoid getting into social media because I'd left that person behind and didn't want it to re-surface courtesy of others.

My latest "it always comes back tenfold" happened last night when I was working at my new job. I thought I saw someone I was not so nice to and it turns out he is now my co-worker - was just hired. Awesome, not. So not. I dodged him to high heaven last night and I am so nervous for what our first conversation will be like.

I started thinking about why I was the way I was and I actually think the whole "level playing field" was just an excuse to be mean to people because I was angry and upset about my parents splitting up so I decided to find a way to get my aggression out that no one would really call me out on. Pretty smart for a 12 year old, hey? However, I found myself out - about 18 years later. I'll catch you my pretty!

Anyways, my plan is to just be my real, self-assured self with anyone from the past I may meet. If it comes up, damn right I'm going to apologize but if it doesn't perhaps they're over it and have realized I was just an angry teen whose parents were in the middle of a divorce and was lashing out at whoever I felt I could without jeopardizing my morals too much.

Sometimes mean girls are mean for life, sometimes they grow-up. I'm in the adolescent stage and I hope I reach adulthood soon. I guess I'm going to find out soon when I have to confront my evil ways head on.

Now that was a difference post wasn't it? Interesting.